I have some news that I’ve sort been keeping to myself, my family, and my close friends. It’s something I haven’t really been able to fully come to terms with myself at the moment.
I’m not going back to school this semester. This semester, as in I’m not a college drop-out.
Basically this decision came about on my birthday over winter break. If I’m being honest though, it weighed heavily on my mind way before that day. I hadn’t been content at the school I was attending, with my attitude, or even my relationship with God. These things suffered greatly over the past semester, and I had let them suffer.
So many times I’ve questioned my circumstances. I would ask questions like “why don’t I have more friends?” and “why am I always in a bad mood?” I often wondered if I would ever find my way out of oppressive unhappiness. This is not to say that I am ungrateful for my time spent at the college I was attending. In fact, I truly believe my time spent there was anything but wasted. So many things in my life have changed over the past year and a half. Relationships were tested, I learned who my true friends were, I learned so many rich and wonderful things about my Heavenly Father, and my love for literature and writing was kindled and kept there.
I fell in love with people, some came and went, some stayed, but in some way they all affected me. God has shown me that He will bring people into your life for only one reason, and that is to make you fall more in love with Him. Whether those people love you, hate you, treat you with respect or condescension, whether they are there for a short season or a long one, they will only reveal God’s love for you. I have found that He will use them for His glory. Those who reflect His love do just that. And those who hurt your heart show you that God will not do the same.
I am sad for those I must leave for now, and if you’re one of those people, and you’re reading this, know that distance does not lesson my love for you. As e.e. cummings would say, “I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. I am never without it.”
As for the here and now, I’ll be staying home, working, and searching for a new place to call my temporary home and learning environment. That is, I’m on the hunt for another university better suited for me.
This decision is a scary one for me. I am afraid of the unknown, but I’m learning to let go. God is in control.
I’ll try to keep you updated on the goings-on of this adventure. And it is one, this. I’m hoping that stepping away from the past season of my life will help me clear my head. I’m hoping I’ll grow in faith and in my ability to trust God’s hand in my life. He said He would never forsake me. And you know, I believe Him.
Prayers are always welcome. I want everyone to know that I’m not trying to run away from anything. I’m just trying to find a place where I feel I belong, where I can serve God, and learn to be content in spite of my circumstances. In some reading, I came across a passage that spoke of God’s oftentimes stirring things up so that our discontentment would lead us somewhere else, somewhere new. This is my chance to see if that’s what He’s doing in my life. I have every intention of returning to a university next fall.
Thank you for reading, and for sharing in my journey. I’ll leave you with lyrics from “I have made mistakes” by the Oh Hellos:
“I have made mistakes…I continue to make them. The promises I’ve made…I continue to break them. All the doubts I’ve faced…I continue to face them. But nothing is a waste…if you learn from it.”
I can honestly say I’ve learned a great deal in the past year and a half. I believe God will use my past to prepare me for my future. Here’s to trusting in His promises. Unlike us, he will never break them.
May all be well.